


She, In the Dark, Found Light

by SidheLives



Series: We'll Find Our Way With Only The Stars to Guide Us [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Baby Gay Bethany Hawke, Bethany and Carver Hawke Live, Bisexual Character, Circle Mage Bethany Hawke, Circle of Magi, Denial of Feelings, Dragon Age II - Act 2, F/F, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Grief/Mourning, Kirkwall (Dragon Age), Lesbian Character, Letters, Loss of Parent(s), Love Confessions, Romance Novel, Sexuality, Templar Carver Hawke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:22:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29411166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SidheLives/pseuds/SidheLives
Summary: Sweetness,Your sister told me they shipped you off to that horrible block of an island they call a circle tower. She said Carver could slip you this letter, so hopefully, that's what happened and you're reading it now.*Trapped in the Circle, Bethany Hawke's only connection to the outside world is the letters she gets from her family, and from a certain displaced ship's captain.Written for Fen'Harem's Femslash February 2021
Relationships: Bethany Hawke/Isabela
Series: We'll Find Our Way With Only The Stars to Guide Us [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2188074
Comments: 9
Kudos: 8
Collections: Fen'Harem's Femslash February 2021





	She, In the Dark, Found Light

**Author's Note:**

> She,  
> In the dark,  
> Found light  
> Brighter than many ever see.
> 
> She,  
> Within herself,  
> Found loveliness,  
> Through the soul’s own mastery.
> 
> And now the world receives  
> From her dower:  
> The message of the strength  
> Of inner power.
> 
> —Langston Hughes

Sweetness,

Your sister told me they shipped you off to that horrible block of an island they call a circle tower. She said Carver could slip you this letter, so hopefully, that's what happened and you're reading it now.

I'm so sorry I didn't get word to you sooner. I didn't know where you'd gone until ~~Hawke~~ Regan got back from her underground holiday with Varric. It must be so miserably lonely in that awful place, and so BORING. I would die. But you're tough and I know you'll do alright. If you'd like, get a message back to your brother for me. Maybe I could provide you with some entertainment.

Isabela

Isabela,

You have no idea what a delight it was to get your letter. Carver can't linger without arousing suspicion, and even if they allowed us visitors I would never let Regan come to this horrible place. It's so lovely to hear from a friend, truly it is.

It's not all bad. I have plenty of time for reading and it's so much quieter than Lowtown. I suppose they were impressed with my abilities because once I was Harrowed the Enchanters had me begin working with some of the children. I enjoy it and it breaks up the days.

I hope you're doing well, and I hope you write to me again.

Bethany

Sweetness,

I'm glad you're doing well. Anyone gives you trouble, you let me know, I may not be able to get in there, but I have my ways and I'll make sure it's taken care of.

I've included a book I think you might enjoy. Best keep it tucked away though, not exactly Chantry-approved reading.

Isabela

Bela,

Is it alright if I call you Bela in my letters? If not just let me know, I don’t want to if you don’t like it.

I’m embarrassed to admit I already finished the book you sent. I stayed up far too late reading it, I couldn’t seem to leave it unfinished. It did seem a bit far fetched, but so very _descriptive_.

I hate to ask, but do you have more?

Beth

You can call me anything you like, Sweetness.

I’ve sent along a few more books. I wrapped them up this time after the look your sister gave me the last time. She can be terribly scary when she wants to be, can’t she?

Let me know if you want anything more specific and I’ll see what I can dig up for you.

Hope things are well in the Tower.

Bela

~~Are there~~

~~Can you~~

~~Would it be possible~~

I’d like books about women. Just women.

Beth

Enjoy.

Bela

Bela,

Thank you again for all the books. They're absolutely wonderful. I have to ask though, how realistic are they? I don't mean the dialog and the plots, I'm well aware that no one in Thedas acts the way people do in romance novels, but the _other_ parts. Is that how, I mean, is it really like that?

You don't have to answer that, I don't know why I asked that.

How are you? Staying safe despite everything I hope. Regan doesn't tell me much about the trouble you all get up to, but I gather it's rarely picnics. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I would hate it if something were to happen to you. I so look forward to your letters.

Beth

Sweetness,

That's not true. Antivans absolutely act the way people do in romance novels. Where do you think the idea came from? I'll have to take you some time so you can see for yourself.

It's so sweet of you to worry about me, but you needn't. I can handle myself. The scrapes your sister gets me into are nothing compared to the ones I make on my own. I'm more concerned with how you're doing. According to Anders the circle is getting worse, though I'm not sure how he knows considering he's always hiding in that Darktown hovel. I hope that's not the case and you're doing alright.

You shouldn’t be embarrassed about wondering about the books, you can always ask me anything you want. In my experience things aren’t usually so perfect, real sex has a lot more stutters and false starts, but it’s always more rewarding for it. Tell me, are you curious for any particular reason? Some pretty mage in there caught your eye? Just follow your heart, Sweetness. Everything else will work itself out.

Bela

Bela,

Anders isn’t exactly wrong. There seem to be more templars around every day and everyone, all the mages I mean, are so anxious all the time. Orsino says that none of us are doing anything wrong and so we have nothing to worry about, but he seems just as worried. I don’t think anyone really knows where we stand right now. I just try to keep to myself. I work with the apprentices, I read, I visit the chapel, I write letters to you and Regan. It’s been getting harder for Carver to move our messages back and forth, he had your last letter in his pocket a week before he was able to slip it to me and I don’t know when this one will actually reach you, but I think he understands how important they are to me so I know he’ll get it done. I worry about him sometimes, he’s always doing things for other people without really considering himself.

There's no one in the tower I'm interested in, nothing like that. I guess I'm just curious. I appreciate you being willing to answer my foolish questions. You must think I’m a naive disaster.

Beth

Beth,

I don’t think you’re a disaster. You just haven’t experienced as much I have. Trust me, there’s no shame in that. It’s hard when you have feelings and don’t understand them fully. If I can help with that it’s really my pleasure.

I know Regan is worried for both of you. Please be safe, Sweetness. Don’t put either of you at risk for my sake. I’m quite fond of you.

Bela

Bela,

I’m sorry for taking so long to write back. Every mage in the tower was put to work last week cleaning every nook and cranny. The place fairly shines now. Orsino ordered it, I think as an attempt to appease Meredith’s paranoia. The good news is it seems to have worked, fewer Templars are patrolling again and they don’t seem to be quite so suspicious anymore. The bad news is that my books were discovered, the ones you sent me, and they took them away. Said something about them possibly being heretical. I didn’t get into any sort of trouble over it but it was upsetting. I didn’t realize how much I loved them until they were gone, I reread them so much their spines were completely broken. I’d ask for more, but I’m worried they’d end up confiscated as well.

The odd thing is that ever since, one of the other mages, a girl about my age named Remy, has been paying me really special attention. I keep catching her looking at me when she thinks I don’t notice. At first, I thought it was because she saw the books and thought I was strange, but she started complimenting me every day on my eyes, or my robes, she remarked on my hair this morning. I think she might be _interested_ in me, and I don't know what to do. She's very pretty, but I hardly know her. I don't have anyone else I can talk to about something like this, I haven't even told Regan about the books or anything, and mother… well, mother always had it in her head that I'd find a nice trader to have a gaggle of children with, so I can't very well expect her to understand. What would you do?

Sorry to trouble you with something so foolish. I hope you're well.

Beth

Sweetness,

Didn't I tell you that you can always ask me anything? I don't think it's foolish at all.

I’m sorry about your books, I don’t mind sending you more, even if they may get taken away. Just let me know. 

What I would do doesn't really matter. It's not me, it's you and you should do what you feel is best, but I can give you ideas:

If you'd rather not have this girl's attentions you should be honest. Speak to her privately and let her know that while you think she's lovely you're not interested in anything but being friendly. Women, I've found, are much more willing to accept such things than men. 

If you are interested in getting to know her, seeing where things go, tell her that too! She'll either be delighted or of course, she may have more physical interests and turn you down and turn her eyes elsewhere.

Now if _your_ interests are more physically inclined then I suggest asking her to meet you somewhere private, somewhere you know you won't be disturbed. When the two of you are alone compliment her, perhaps brush the hair out of her eyes or tuck a loose lock behind her ear. Touch her hands if you can, tell her how soft they are. Then cup her cheek in one of your hands and kiss her. Just a soft press of lips. That's you opening the door and if she walks through it, then enjoy it, Sweetness. I don't know anyone as deserving of a pleasant romp than you. And remember, you always have the right to stop anything that comes when _you_ want to. If she walks through that door and you no longer feel comfortable then say so. If she's a decent person she'll understand and listen, if she isn't then throw a fireball in her face and get out of there.

I don't want you getting hurt, Sweetness, so don't make any rash decisions. Think long and hard about what you really want, then make your choice.

And let me know what you decide, I want to hear every juicy detail.

Bela

Bela,

I'm drunk. And perhaps also a fool.

I read your letter about a hundred times, two hundred even. I got it in my head that _I would_ kiss Remy, so I popped into the kitchen and stole a bottle of sherry. I thought it would be romantic. But then I was a ball of nerves and decided to have a glass to steady myself. That turned into two which turned into the whole bottle. Then Remy was there and I made a complete ass of myself. I realized I didn't want to kiss her at all. Not that I don't want to kiss a girl, Maker I do, I just didn't want to kiss _her_. I told her she was lovely and she pushed my hair away from my eyes and I panicked. My face felt like fire I was blushing so much, she told me it was cute and that she was disappointed but understood. 

So now I'm alone and drunk and writing to you. I haven't been drunk in such a long time, I forgot how fuzzy everything gets.

What is it really like being with a woman? Not like in the books. What does it feel like? I’ve been wanting to ask you for ages but was always so embarrassed. I hope you don’t mind, I’m sure you won't, you’re so kind and patient with me even when I’m a blithering fool. ~~I love that about you.~~

I can’t believe I’m writing this, I probably won’t even send it, I’d likely die of embarrassment. For one I’d have to give it to Carver, what if he read it? I haven’t told _anyone_ I fancy girls, not even Regan, not even you until right this very moment. Back in Lothering, there was this boy, a farmer’s son, who told me I was pretty and kissed me. I thought it would be wonderful but it wasn’t, not like I imagined it would be at all, then he tried to put his hand up my skirt and I slapped him. I always thought it was that particular boy I didn’t like but I think it was the fact that he was a _boy_ and I can’t believe I’m still writing, you must think I’m such an idiot and maybe I am. I’m going to stop now because I'm making an ass of myself again, but I want you to know that I’m so happy to know you, you’re such a treasure.

Beth

Sweetness,

You should get drunk more often, that was the most entertaining letter I've ever gotten. You’re the one who is a treasure.

You didn't make any more an ass of yourself than would be expected. Don't feel too bad. I'm glad you listened to your heart and didn't do anything because you felt like you should. There are so many times in my life I did things I didn't want to because I felt I had to and I regret every one of them, so don't be embarrassed, be proud that you did what was right for you.

As for your question: being with a woman is like taking a warm bath. Soft and warm and touching all the places you want to be touched. I like men too, but men are so hard and pointy, they want to get it in you and everything else is an afterthought. Women though, women want to feel good of course, but they want you to feel good too. Don’t be too flustered when you read this. I hate the idea of you blushing without me being there to see it.

Much love,

Bela

Bela,

I about died when I read your letter. I never meant to send that one I wrote drunk, I really didn’t, but it got mixed up with one I wrote to Regan, and by the time I realized it was too late. I’m glad I did though. I feel like I can say anything to you and you’ll understand, ask you anything. Maybe it's silly, since I haven't seen you in years and it's just letters, but you're my closest friend and I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for always being there.

Beth

Beth,

You don't need to thank me. I'm happy to be here for you, whatever you need.

Bela

Bethany,

I am so sorry.

I don't know what to say.

Anything you need, I'm here for you.

I wish I could do more than sending you paper and ink. You're all alone in that horrible tower and I wish I could be there for you. 

All my love

Bela

Isabela,

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write. I haven't been well.

 ~~After mother di~~ after what happened, I couldn't do much of anything. Did you know I hadn't seen her in nearly three years? Not since the Templars showed up at Gamlen's to take me away. The last time I saw her she had tears in her eyes, and now it's the last memory I'll ever have of her. 

She wasn't perfect, I don't think anyone's mother is, but she was still my mother, and now she's gone. I don't really know how to reconcile that.

Afterward, the Templars went mad. They tore the tower apart. I don’t know if they were looking for something in particular or not but they were terrifying. They forced us into the courtyard and when we got back to our rooms everything was a disaster. Carver had to stay away for a while because of it, and us mages weren't allowed to even speak to each other. Thank the Maker they didn't find my letters. I think I may have gone mad without them.

Things seem to have calmed down now. Orsino is afraid it will happen again, that Meredith will keep looking for things that aren’t there until she finds it or decides she doesn’t need to. It scares me, the way he talks about her. 

I just wish I could see you, or Regan, or anyone. Just have someone tell me that everything is going to be alright, even if it’s not.

Beth

Bethany,

Everything is going to be alright. 

Regan and Carver would never let anything happen to you. 

Neither would I.

I should have come and checked in on you after Regan left for the Deeproads. It’s been eating me up, the idea that if I had, if I’d been around it could have made a difference and you wouldn’t be in that horrible place. Maybe it wouldn't have, maybe everything would have turned out the same, but I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you.

Bela

Bela,

You don't have to be sorry. What happened to me and my family is no one's fault, least of all yours. You've been so wonderful to me over the last few years, always willing to listen and being so kind. I don't think I would have survived if it wasn't for you.

~~I think~~

I love you.

I've wanted to say it for so long. I wasn't sure, but then I was. When everything happened with Remy I realized I didn't want to kiss her because I wanted to kiss _you_. I didn't know how to tell you, didn't know if I should, and then everything that happened with mother and the Templars. I'm scared and I don't know what's going to happen to me, but I know I don't want to go on not telling you.

Beth

Bela,

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. Please write back.

Beth

Isabela,

Please.

I miss you.

Bethany

Bethany,

Isabela is gone.

I don't know where, but she disappeared like smoke. Varric and I are doing our best to track her down. She was afraid and she ran and we are doing our best to bring her home.

I don't know the details, but I know you and she had become close and I wanted you to hear it from me.

When she ran she left me a letter, and asked that I get the included sealed letter to you. I didn't open it, didn't seem right.

I'm so sorry, baby sister.

All my love,

Regan

Bethany,

I'm sorry I'm such a coward.

I'm sorry I'm such a fool.

You didn't do anything wrong telling me. You didn't do anything wrong feeling the way you do. I'm not very good at love, I never seem to get it right, and your feelings frightened me. Not because of you, but because hurting you is the most horrifying thing I can imagine.

I love you too, Bethany. So much that it scared me, and I didn't know how to tell you that.

I'll come back for you, I promise. I'll rescue you from that horrible tower and I'll take you away from anyone that would dare to hurt you or scare you ever again.

Please wait for me, Sweetness.

With my whole heart,

Isabela

Regan,

Thank you for sending along the letter.

If anyone can find her, it's you and Varric.

When you do, tell her that I said I will.

She'll know what it means.

Bethany

Bethany,

I will.

I love you so much. Please be safe. Kirkwall is primed to blow and it's horrible knowing I can't be there to protect you. I don't know what I would do if I lost you.

Your loving sister,

Regan

Bethany,

The Champion of Kirkwall has barred me from breaking down the doors of the tower and carrying you out to freedom. At least until I have a boat to carry you away on. Since I sort of owe her my life I'm inclined to listen.

I hope you're willing to keep waiting, just a little longer.

I love you.

Isabela

Thank you for coming back.

Knowing you're just outside the walls makes every day easier.

I'll keep waiting.

I love you.

Bethany

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to Hezjena2023 for supporting this fic and helping remind me that I'm not as bad at writing as I often think I am.


End file.
